Yearly Update

Seems I missed an update last year, so now I have 2 years of updates to do. Unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot to say.

The Vegan and I didn’t last much longer than the birthday shenanigans. He didn’t vibe with any of my friends at all, and he ended up pissing me off that night. When I asked for a title, it went to hell.  He couldn’t give up dating multiple girls and I was getting tired of being blown off because he was “sick”.

Continue reading

All is good

Time for my yearly update. I swear I don’t forget about here, but I just don’t have the time to sit down and update you (or no one…) about life on a regular basis.

The new guy from the last post is no more. We met up on my birthday last year and made out, but nothing came of it. I think my head space was wrong and I went into “needy girl” mode. A total turn off. Looking back at his Snapchat n’ whatnot, I think I dodged a bullet. So not my type.

There have been guys since then. “The Nerd” as my friends called him was around for a few months, but aside from good/quick sex (initiated by me while he was trying to leave) once, he was a total flake. It ended when he couldn’t find more than an hr (does this sound familiar??) to spend with me and confessed to seeing another girl as well (after he said he might be in love with me!). I kicked him out of my house and that was that until he reached out about a month ago and said he missed me and he wanted another shot. That maybe he could find time for a date. I told him I didn’t want anyone who needed to “find time” for a date and goodbye.

There was a serious guy, Colorado, back in April-July of this year…. Oh did I fall for him. Hard. As his name states, he lives out of state. Made for a difficult relationship to say the least. He was out by me when we met, and went home and came back a few times. Dumped me twice (!!) because he was still in love with his ex (current!) wife (3 kids involved as well…) I spent a week out there with him before the final dumping. Got a great vacation and a promise ring (that he would come back) out of the deal. Sometimes I still put the ring on because it’s a 1/2 carat and I can’t bare to part with it. He and I still talk. Normally only when I’m drunk/high. I think he believes that’s safer because I won’t remember anything in the AM about what we talked about. I still miss him horribly. He’s still the best sex I’ve ever had. Told him I loved him as well (not after sex!). I do, that’s not going to go away, but I’m not going to be hung up on someone who doesn’t have his life in order (not again!).

Kinda seeing someone else right now as well… The Vegan. He’s 29 (I’m less hung up on the 4 year difference now  than I was in the beginning of this), personal trainer, MMA fighter, 8% body fat (getting over the issues in my head on this one.. oh boy). But he’s really sweet. And I get weekly date nights. We went to see a concert, and a movie, walked along the beach, and cooked for each other. If he still wasn’t going on dates with other girls, it’d be perfect. The sex (the one time we’ve done it so far) wasn’t perfect, but after gossiping with The Wife, the first time with a new guy never is going to be amazing. We’ll see if he sticks around long enough to give it a second go around. We have plans with The Wife and her hubby to go apple picking, and then he’s going to attend the birthday shenanigans with all my friends for my 33rd. I like this one, but I’m not going to get my hopes up. We’re at two totally different places- he’s sending out applications for his Master’s this week and owns a cat while renting an apartment, while I have my own house full of pets and despise school like no other.

Brain has been reaching out lately for sex. For the first time in 10 years I forgot to wish him a happy birthday…. He didn’t even cross my mind. I haven’t seen him in a year. I did find him on a dating app the other day and swiped right just for the fun of it 🙂 But I keep saying no to the sex b/c of The Vegan. Bc I don’t know what we are or if we’re sleeping with other people. It’s one of those convos we need to have at some point.

An update from me wouldn’t be complete without an update about Manager, right?? There really isn’t one. He found me on a dating site after Colorado and I broke up the final time and asked bout it (Colorado finally got me my house key back!! Then I gave it to him and haven’t asked for it back yet…). I lied and said we were still together and I was looking for a person for a 3some. He flipped out on me. Said it was unfair that he wanted that with me, but I was unwilling then he asked if he was even considered as a 3rd. I said no. Even if he had been, he wasn’t in my phone anymore (blocked him) and had no way of contacting him. Then went off about how I couldn’t trust him to not talk to other girls so how was I supposed to trust him to have my back with another guy. That was it. Haven’t talked since. He’s still blocked in my phone. He’s blocked on the app as well.

On to newer and better things

As is the way I work, there is a new guy. Surprise!!

The new guy reminds me of Manager, but at the same time it’s Manager 2.0. He takes selfies, uses snapchat, and isn’t afraid to be a smartass. Then again, we’ve only been talking for a little over a week. But we’re supposed to meet this week and see how things play out. He’s fun. I guess that describes him. I need fun in my life. I need to smile. To sit at my desk and grin like a nutcase. I’ve been doing that. He’s got dogs so he understands my issues with the puppy. He flirts and is bad (like the good kind of bad). I have no idea if this will lead anywhere. I’m not pushing for it to. Whatever happens happens. No pressure. No freaking out. Nothing. I’m taking it one day at a time.

FedEx and I don’t talk anymore. Haven’t heard from him since July. Neither of us tried, I don’t think either of us really cared enough to make anything try or to even attempt to meet each other. Oh well.

I sent Brain a quick message that said I’ve known him for like 9 years. He replied back w/ that means we should have sex or something along those lines. Which led me to ask about the gf (he started seeing someone like a week after we last hooked up) and apparently she was psycho and a bad lay. So he’s come back to me. I’m okay with that. Part of me has feelings for him still. Part of me misses the fun. Part of me even remember the fun sex. So we’re going to do this. Because per this blog, we met once upon an October day…. Guess we’re back to the tradition of October sex. I’m surprisingly okay with this. We’re never going to date. It wouldn’t end well. He’s just…. not right for me. But he does make a great friend when I need him and that’s so much better than anything else.

Had two first dates in the last month. Both guys I met off Bumble.
First one turned out I went to HS with. I had no idea who he was, he didn’t know who I was. He was pushy, grabby, and very direct. We decided that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and really only wanted FWB. Which I was actually okay with. But nothing ever came of it. I haven’t heard from him since he blew me off one night nor have I tried to contact him since.
2nd one was last week…. Oh it was bad. It was actually pretty damn horrible. I wasn’t overly attracted to him physically, but I thought I could get around that. Turns out there was a bad personality to match the physical issues. He was hungover from the night before, so drank to “feel better”. Then he got obnoxious. Problem with me is once I get annoyed, you can tell. You can see it on my face and in my body language. Once he learned I was annoyed he flat out told me he didn’t care that he was being obnoxious because he felt better and that he was going to see just how annoying he could be. Couldn’t believe when I ended it. Seriously?! You’re going to be an ass and act surprised when I don’t want to be around you?! He even had the nerve to ask me at what point it got to be too much and wanted feedback for next time. I said no. Said he’d understand if I didn’t talk to him again. He texted me the next day and asked what I was up to. He said he remembered me telling him after I replied and wished me a good rest of the day.

Do you want a Manager update? Are you tired of hearing about him? Cuz I am. I saw him in August. Nothing physical. Just hanging out at my house. It was nice. He opened up more than ever before.  Then when he left he went back to being a closed off asshole and I let him. I just didn’t have the energy in me to fight anymore so I didn’t. It’s been about a month since I’ve heard from him and I’m a lot happier now that I was while we were talking this past year. Somethings just aren’t meant to be and you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. I’m self-destructive enough on my own, I can’t be a rock for someone else until I can pull myself together and I sure as shit can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. In the end, he just didn’t want it. I accused him of not loving me. Told him I knew he didn’t and that I couldn’t do this anymore. I’m not sure he took me seriously, but for once I was.
I’m trying to move on (hence the dating). I’m trying to do me. To not think of him and how things were. To not compare the new guys to him (good or bad). I’m actually doing a pretty good job of it. He’ll always have a place in my heart, but he doesn’t have to have one in my head. Not anymore.

Forgetfullness will be the death of me

So I got to see Brain over the long weekend. Didn’t realize just how much I missed him until he showed up on my front porch. Of course, seeing Brain leads to sex. Bad sex, but fun sex. He hadn’t gotten laid in almost 6 years he said, so I really wasn’t expecting much. And I didn’t get much. But it was still fun. It was fun to sit on the couch and make-out with him. To not feel the least bit of self conscious around him since I’ve known him for 10ish years. It was nice to be myself for once.

BUT….

I haven’t had sex since Manager back in October. Wasn’t much planning on having sex anytime soon. So I wasn’t on anything. And Brain doesn’t use condoms (we used to be exclusive FWB, he ruined that n’ gave me something. I stopped doing him). So here I am, Saturday night, freaking out because I’m not on anything and he didn’t use anything… Then I stopped freaking out put on my big girl panties, and remembered it wasn’t the end of the world. That I could run out to the store in the morning and get the morning after pill. Wasn’t able to do that until the afternoon however. But I did take it. So now there’s an alarm set on my phone for next month to remind me to take a test if I haven’t had a period yet. I will not freak out until then however. Knowing me, I might just forget until the alarm goes off.

 

Fed-Ex is still in the picture. We still haven’t met. Still haven’t talked about what we are (or aren’t) so there’s no guilt about this. We still don’t talk everyday and I’m still okay with not talking to him on a daily basis. Nothing is going to come of this. I’ve acknowledged that. I’m not sure if he knows it or not, but until we meet (if we meet), I’m not worried about him.

 

Manager has tried to talk to me. Turns out he closed the PO Box I sent the letters to, so I emailed them to him. And nothing. No response. He tried talking to me the other day and I called him out on this shit. It’s not fair. He finally told me why he never dated me. Why he never tried to even date me. His reason was complete and utter shit.Since he started trying to talk to me again, I’ve gone back to not being able to sleep (part of this is probably the fault of the diet pills I’m on, but part is totally his fault). About 2:30 I had sent the following message to him (so long that it turned into a MMS instead of a normal text)

There is so much running through my head that it’s 2am and I’m wide awake still.
I’m hurt. And pissed off. But mostly hurt. After everything that’s happened you didn’t have the faith in me to ask me first. Why are you even talking to me right now? I can’t mean anything to you after that. I know your physically attracted to me, but that’s just not enough anymore. You don’t acknowledge the existence of my feelings. Ever! Didn’t acknowledge the letters. Nothing. So why should I be talking to you? So you can vanish again? You’re good at that when it comes to me. Maybe I should take a hint. Let you stay gone. You certainly haven’t needed me at all over the past 5 months. You want sex. Fine. I can do that. Give me time to bottle my emotions and you can be a fuck buddy. Don’t need a relationship for sex. Make up your mind already when it comes to me. I’m not a yo-yo. You can’t take me off a shelf because you suddenly miss me. You’re screwing with my head. I start to put things back together, to acknowledge that you’re MIA again, and wham, there you are. Like a fucking freight train throwing everything out of balance. Tell me what you want from me. Don’t give me that I don’t know bullshit because you do. I’m tired of one word responses. Of smilies. They don’t tell me anything and I can’t have a conversation with them. I won’t have a conversation with them. Not anymore. Convince me that I mean something to you. Because I’m convinced it was all just pretty words without anything to back them up. Prove me wrong.

He replied back with “well put and noted” then sent me a heart. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. This is drama I don’t need. I don’t want. But I can’t seem to give him up.
All this happened before Brain and I hooked up over the weekend. That’s how little I care right now. I’m done trying (I know! I keep saying that… maybe one day I’ll actually mean it)

I think I’d miss you even if we’d never met

And miss him I do. Manager that is. But it’s not that heartbreaking missing anymore. Maybe because I mailed out those 2 letters once the weekend was over. After he messaged me. I needed to feel free. And I do. I have no idea if he’s read them. He sent me a high on the 1st, and I replied a few hours later with hi (as I was busy and he no longer deserves for me to drop what I’m doing to reply), but that was it. No elaboration. No conversation. No nothing.

I’m stronger than I thought I was. I’m stronger than I still think I am. I am strong. I am surviving. I’m not drinking. I’m not drowning. I’m living. I’m back up on the dating sites. I’m talking to a few new guys. Texting one of them daily (but not from sun up to sun down. That still feels like a special thing with Manager). FedEx is different. And I was talking about this with Wife. She married someone who wasn’t her ideal. Was so far from her ideal that I felt comfortable asking her how she did it. How she managed to tell herself that he wasn’t perfect and that was okay. She explained to me that it took time. That it’s still taking time. Said that they texted and snapchatted a lot before meeting him. And their first kiss was incredible. She kept telling herself that she wasn’t going to pick out all the non-ideal stuff about him and was just going to see where it went. She liked how he treated her, how he was a nice guy and wouldn’t lie to her, and how all her ideals before him treated her like shit. She said to focus on how he treats me and makes me feel not all the physical stuff. The moment she knew they were meant to be is she said she could gain 300# and he would still adore her. That right there is exactly what I want. What I deserve.

FedEx is different. He’s not my ideal but he’s nice. We started talking right before he went on vacation, and we continued to talk while he was gone. They’re not deep meaningful conversations. There are no good mornings or good nights. Sometimes it’s awkward. I feel no need to try to keep up conversation, so it dies out. But for the time being, it’s nice to talk to someone again.

It’s nice to talk to a few different guys even if it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m not trying. Not actively. I say no to a lot more than I talk to. 99% of the people interested in me I either say no to, or I delete the message without responding. I don’t have to try. I’m not ready to try. Until I stop thinking about Manager randomly when things happen and I want to tell him, it wouldn’t be fair to a new guy in my life.

I’m taking care of me. I’m focusing on me. Because if I don’t love myself first, no one else is going to be able to. And it’s going to take a lot before I’m able to love myself again.

Downward spiral

I’ve been trying to be good lately. Been getting my shit together. Not thinking about Manager at all…. But Thursday it all hit the fan. I was updating my extremely outdated OKCupid profile and went searching around. It was all fun and games until I came across Manager’s profile. It must have been active while we were together. It said he’d be open to a relationship. And I just died. I pulled out the anniversary bottle of scotch and started drinking. Then got a notification saying he looked at my profile… and I kept drinking. A co-worker called and we spent 4-5 hours on the phone. I was drinking, she was keeping me company. The bottle was half gone by midnight, we were still on the phone. I don’t have a history of dealing with things well.

Friday morning the co-worker comes in for a meeting with a bagel and orange juice for me. Friday afternoon/evening all was well. Went out to dinner w/ family and avoiding drinking (my poor sister covered for me and drank my drinks for me).

Saturday I was feeling a lot more like me. I have amazing friends who fully and completely have my back and who talk me out of doing stupid things (nothing life threatening!!!) Then Saturday afternoon/eveningish I get a text from Manager. It said:

Hi. I miss you too

Apparently after my last message of he knew where to find me if he wanted to talk, I told him I missed him. That was 2 months ago!

I haven’t replied to his message. Mostly because I’d tell him to go fuck himself. That he can’t miss me because he never had me. Because he never wanted me. Also because my friends told me that I’m better than that. He spent 2 months pretending that I don’t exist, he doesn’t deserve a reply from me. There are however 2 letters here that need to be mailed out. One is 4 pages long. It was written a few days before the OKCupid thing. It tells him everything that happened during the 3 years together. Everything I felt. Everything I kept inside of me. The other I wrote Thursday before I got too trashed. It has a lot more swearing in it because I was pissed off. It accuses him of being selfish. Of breaking me. Of using me. They both were supposed to get mailed out Friday, but I forgot to grab them before I left for work. They’ll go out Monday if I remember to grab them. It’s important they get sent out. Important that I don’t reply to him before he reads them or else I won’t have the strength to send them. Because I am  stupid. I would probably take him back if he asked me to. Because I do still love him. But he doesn’t love me. And I deserve someone who will love me as I love them.

 

Money

Money makes the world go round…. Truer words have never been spoken.
I’ve kept a much closer look on my finances since I bought a house. Does that mean I’ve grown up and quit splurging on anything and everything I wanted? Hell no. I can’t manage to pay off my credit cards for the life of me. I owe my mother and my grandmother for helping me out with buying/renovating the house still. I don’t think either is expecting to get their money back, but the fact that I owe them doesn’t sit well with me. I got an email the other day from a website called Mint which I use (kinda…) to track my spending/accounts. It told me that I’m currently using 40% of my credit. Which is most likely correct. I’m at over 50% of my Discover limit and I can’t seem to keep my Visa paid off for the life of me.

Hi. My name is LetsNotTalk and I have a spending problem. A big spending problem. Taking into consideration what I owe everybody in my life and my cards, I’m currently in debt roughly 40k. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this funk. I received a text yesterday from the bank telling me my tax return hit my account so this morning, I logged on and spent it. Dropped half of it into my quickly dwindling savings account and the other half got applied towards the credit cards (smallest balance got majority). I also get 3 paychecks this month, so the last paycheck is going to have the same thing happen next month. I’m going to drop half into savings and the  other half to my cards. Thank god I got a promotion and raise at work or else I don’t know what I’d do.

I’ve gotten really good at assuring the people in my life that financially I’m okay. That everything is okay and I have money to go out with them and spend on things I really can’t afford. I can reassure my mom that I can afford the things in my life, bc honestly, I can. If I could figure out how to manage my money I’d be okay. If I could figure out how to pay off my cards and never use them again, I’d be so much better! That’s my goal. Pay off the Visa. Have mom take my name off of it. Then pay off my Discover and only keep it for emergencies (the real card is sitting in mom’s house… but I have it linked with my paypal account which is just as dangerous (if not more) as having it physically on me).

 

It’s time to grow up. It’s time to be financially dependent. I need to be able to take care of my self. To have money in the bank in case something ever happens to me. Or to the house and I need to make repairs.

Distractions

I’m getting pretty good at keeping myself distracted. The weather was absolutely beautiful over the weekend, so I hit up Menards and went on a shopping spree!! Well close enough. I bought indoor stuff. Outdoor stuff…. Then ordered new fencing online. It’s going to be a very productive summer for me. The puppies are an amazing distraction as well. As it gets nicer they get walks. Finally hit my fitbit goal the other day after going for a 2 mile walk. I was tired. Sore. But it was empowering. I forgot that I could walk that far.

Mom did my taxes for me the other day. I get a nice chunk of change back this year (although not as much as I was expecting after buying a house..). I already have plans for my entire refund. Some goes to credit cards. Some goes to my savings account. Some is actually going to be play money! It’ll be amazing to have money that I can actually spend on myself instead of bills, dogs, or house related stuff…. I really shouldn’t spend the play money tho. I should be saving it and applying it toward a new car… That’s the goal for the end of the year still. Savings account money is going to be applied towards home expenses. I was reviewing my home inspection and remembered that there were important things that needed to be done. Spring/Summer is the perfect time to get all this done, so I need all the savings that I can possibly get. Thank god for months with 3 paychecks. Being an adult sucks.

Sometime this year, I’ve decided that I want a vacation. Not a staycation, but actually going somewhere. I really want to go somewhere. Not even go, but stay in a hotel. Avoid my house. Take time off work. Be pampered. Be free. Now if this actually happens, is a completely different thing. Wants/needs…. don’t always happen. Especially now that I have plans for money and goals to hit.

I’m getting better at being on my own. Not relying on people for things. It used to be that I couldn’t go out alone. Couldn’t grocery shop. Clothes shop. Do much of anything. But as the social anxiety is going away, I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I don’t care as much as what people think about me. I don’t need other people to be happy. If I have me, and I like me at the end of the day, then that’s really all that matters in my world.

Off to mom’s house now for a free fitness evaluation. Lets see how unhealthy I really am and what can be done to make me healthier.

That was a bust

Valentines Day came and went…. Did Manager step up and say a word to me? Nope. Brain bailed on me as well. Went out drinking w/ DQ on Saturday night. Sent Brain a message and he agreed to sex Sunday night… Sent him a text Sunday morning, and nothing… Sent him another Sunday night about 11pm thanking him for blowing me off. Seriously. That’s so what I needed in my life. For one more guy to disappoint me.

I spent Saturday replacing door knobs in the house. Turns out that’s really good for getting your frustration out. I’ve replaced 4 out of 8. Now most people wouldn’t think anything of this, except I’m replacing 1950’s brass knobs with current chrome ones. And the chrome have inside pieces that are longer and bigger than the brass ones. Which means I’m taking a chisel (bc I don’t own the right pieces for my drill) to expand the sections that need it. Solid 1950’s doors too. I hurt when I’m done, but I feel so good being able to do things myself. Proving to myself that I don’t need a guy in my life.

I meant to backup my phone yesterday, but forgot (got lazy). So I did it today after work. I deleted pictures of me. Of Manager. Cleaned out my gmail as well. All the text backups that were there are gone. There’s no trace of him in my email. There’ll soon be no trace of him in my phone… It’s going to kill me to do that, but it has to be done. I can’t play games. I truly love him. Love that goes to the depth of my soul. Losing him is like losing a piece of myself. I will forever love him…. Nothing will change that. Maybe if I remove him from my life, then I won’t hurt so badly anymore.

It’s so…. hard

DQ is back in the city. She moved back for whatever reason and started dating this guy….. They broke up the day after I told Manager I wasn’t happy. And she’s had a complete breakdown….. Here’s the thing. They were together for 1.5 MONTHS. Not years. Months…. But yet here I am, expected to be there for her. To play the part of the best friend and help get her through this. But I don’t understand. I don’t understand why she’s so heartbroken over someone she was with for not even 2 month. How she could tell that person that she loved them. How she imagined a forever future with him. After ONE AND A HALF FUCKING MONTHS!!!

I was with Manager for 3+ years. There’s a major difference between months and years. We’ve been over for 2 weeks at this point if you’re counting (I know I am). She’s been not so subtly hinting that she’s sad. I’m getting texts. I’m getting snapchats. She’s telling the entire world just how “broken” she is…. And here I am. Swallowing my pain. Moving on with life. Silently hoping that Sunday, Valentines Day, he finally texts me and tells me he made a mistake and misses me….. If I held my breath I’d probably be dead. I’d turn blue and die. Because my heart is so much stupider than my head. My head is being realistic. My heart isn’t. It misses him. It wants him back. And honestly, if he were to say he wants me back, I don’t know what I’d say…. I’m probably stupid enough to take him back even though I know better. But I digressed… This isn’t about me and him yet. It’s about me and her.
She sent me a text today…. convo goes as follows:

DQ: Hey.. How are you holding up?
LNT: I’m fine
DQ: You sure? I mean I know how I feel and I saw your IG
LNT: I’m surprisingly ok
LNT: I keep myself distracted
DQ: It’s easier with your dogs and home etc…
DQ: I didn’t wanna keep invading your space so I didn’t come by as often
DQ: Some days I was just a mess and couldn’t go anywhere

I didn’t respond. Because I don’t know how to without telling her to grow the fuck up and move on with life. Because there will be some rotten words coming out of my mouth since she seems to think living on my own, being trapped in a house with only my own head, is easier…. Because her delusional head thinks her pain is so much worse than mine! Last week, once I got home from work, I got high and drunk. By myself. Because it had been a week and I couldn’t handle it. I’m going to slowly work my way through the Scotch I bought him for his birthday/Christmas/our 3 year anniversary. By the time I’m done with the bottles, I will fucking love Scotch!

I’m not coping as well as I make it seem. I just hide it so much better than most people. I catch myself before I cry (with the exception of one breakdown that I just had to get out of me before I imploded…). I don’t let people know I’m hurting. What’s the point? They can’t make the hurt go away. I don’t want to bother them. So I sit in my house and fester. I got back on Tinder… OK cupid… Even Craigslist…. But none of it is making me feel any better. None of it is boosting my ego. They say time heals all wounds, but how much time do I need to heal myself?

I miss his ringtone. I miss the mornings and good nights. I miss being called gorgeous. I miss him. But I am strong. Just call me Gloria Gaynor. I will survive.

 

 

Garden planning

In true me fashion, I have two dogs snoring on my feet at the moment. But they’re not my issue. I’ve been sitting on the couch with 4 flower magazines/catalogs and a notepad jotting down ideas. Or I was until I got distracted by a gorgeous bearded man on Fast n’ Loud and lost my pen. I haven’t moved, but my pen is now missing. Which means I can’t finish my garden planning…. I’ve gotten up, looked around for it, but it’s gone. Ok. Not really gone, I mean, the puppy will find it when she wakes up and then will eat it all over my floor. Which is exactly why I need to find it first. 

I’m ripping up my front yard this year. Surrounding the tree with ferns and hostas. Cleaning up the rose and the beds in front. Pulling all the garlic that’s randomly growing EVERYWHERE and making my house look less “abandoned” as my mother calls it. 

Wish me luck

Resolutions 2.0

I’ve been thinking. And while my resolutions were good, they weren’t what I really want to do this year.

  1. There are a list of house projects on my fridge. I’m determined to get everything on that list (that I can do myself) done this year. If that means I need to take a few days off work this summer to get it done, then so be it.
  2. Sundays are ME days. I will not be guilted into doing anything I don’t want to do. I will not feel obligated to hang with someone on that day.
  3. I need to learn how to say no more often. While at the same time saying yes more often.
  4. I will get laid this year (yes, I technically had sex last year, but I want to have good sex. Fun sex. I remember that… I miss it)
  5. I want a new car. Yep. House last year. Car this year. Somehow I will make this happen.
  6. I’m going to mail all the letters to other people that are sitting around my house. All of them. Regardless of how many peoples feelings they’ll hurt. They’re all dated. Officer obviously won’t get his, as I don’t have an address, but I might email them to him instead. DQ is going to get all of hers. Manager gets his. Brain will somehow get his. Dork even has a few in a box. Hopefully this makes me feel better…. if not, at least there will be less clutter in my house!
  7. I’m going to purge my friends. I have some seriously useless/soul sucking people in my life and they need to go.

 

So that’s it… That’s what I really want to do this year.

 

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me!!

I’m FINE…. Honest?

So… I opened my big mouth exactly a week ago. On accident. I was tired. I wasn’t sleeping well… So I told Manager the following:

I miss you. I miss us. I miss whatever te hell it was before you stopped trying and I stopped trying and it turned into… This. I don’t like this. I don’t want this. This doesn’t make me happy. I want to be happy. With you.

and no response…. then I said

Hi?

on Saturday…
On Sunday I may have been a little peeved….

Well ok then… If you wanna talk to me you know where I am….

It took me till Wednesday to cry. To full on bawl wondering what the hell I had done… I’ve been listening to music. And catching up on my DVR while cuddling puppies. Sleep has gotten better. But my brain is still going a million miles an hr. I miss him. I do. I will always miss him. I will always love him. I don’t know if he fully understands that, but he went MIA. The last time he did that was a few years ago. And after a month he started talking to me again. Said that he wouldn’t ever pull that on me ever again, but now he has. And.. Well…. I’m a lot more jaded than I was before. I’m more cautious. I’m older.

This is the year of me. I need to do what makes me happy. So I wasn’t happy and said something. Now, I’m still not happy, but I have options.
I sent Brain a Snapchat that pretty much said I wanted sex from him on Valentines Day. He ignored it. I’m really really tired of being ignored, so I sent another one saying forget it, that I’m kinda done with him too…

I’m determined to be happy this year. Screw anyone who tries to get in my way!

 

Off to a good start?

So I mentioned that I was going to send Manager a letter. And I spent all weekend drafting this letter. Kinda spilling my heart. Kinda giving an ultimatum. When I send it is a whole other story. Do I want to send it? Yes. Do I want this to end? No. Honestly. No. But I don’t want to be unhappy. There’s a rough draft of thoughts sitting on my couch. The last thought says this “3 years, and I’m still alone”. And it hurts to say that. To think I’ve wasted the last 3 years of my life on someone who doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t want that. I don’t want that failure under my belt. I’m 31. I want to be with someone who wants me. Someone who understands me and wants what I want out of life. But I also want to be with him. I know I can’t have it both ways, it’s just a question of which I want more…..

2016 is going to be my year. Screw everybody else. I’m done caring what they think of me and what I do, right?. So it was DQ’s birthday yesterday. I sent her a happy birthday and she said thanks. Then about 915 I’m sitting on the couch w/ the dogs watching movies and she sends a text asking if I wanted to go out for a birthday drink w/ her. I’m due in bed in 45mins. I have to work the next morning. I don’t want to disrupt the dogs. So I said no. People need to understand that I’m not doing last minute plans anymore. It doesn’t work with my schedule so they’re not happening. If she had planned something it would be different, but she didn’t.

I spent yesterday taking care of me (after getting back from breakfast with my sister). New hair color. Waxed and shaved everywhere that needs it. I need to call my laser lady for an appointment this week. I did a face mask. Took a bubble bath with bath bombs. Had wonderful orgasms (all self-induced of course). It feels good to take care of myself. I don’t do it nearly often enough, but that’s all changing. I need to gather money up again for a full set of nails as well as a pedicure. That’s my next small goal.

I found my list of 2016 resolutions while cleaning up my desk the other day:

  1. Have 3k in savings account
  2. Pay off the credit cards (and keep them that way)
  3. Lose 50# (for me. Not anyone else ever again)
  4. Empty my garage (5 months after moving in, and 1/2 my stuff is still there)
  5. Insure me time. At least 5 hours a week (important to my sanity I believe)

I did the insane goal last year of buying a house. I had also paid off all my cards in full…. then because I’m a failure at being an adult, magically raked up like 10k in debt yet again… So I’m back at square one. This time I’m determined not to fail (famous last words).

Resolutions

2016 is going to be the year of me. I’ve spent too long caring what other people think and worrying about their feelings instead of being true to myself. So I’m going to be selfish.im going to care about me. Take care of me. Be good to me. And if people don’t like that then they don’t have to be in my life anymore. 

Unfortunately this is going to start with an ultimatum to Manager. Or maybe it started tonight when I stayed home on NYE instead of going out like I usually do….. I’m getting off track. Manager is going to be told in no uncertain terms that things need to change. That we need to change. This month was three years of this shit and I was thiiiiiiiis close to ending it at 3am Christmas morning. But I’m a pushover so I didn’t. He’s going to have to treat me better. Act like he cares about me. Make it known to me that he wants this to continue. If he doesn’t then I’ll end it. I’ll have thrown away the last 3 years of my life, but at least we didn’t get married and need a divorce. If/when this is over I’m heading right back to Brain. Yep. I said it….. That’s the first step in getting over Manager. Somehow in my head this makes sense to me right now. We’ll see if it does later on.

I’m also losing and keeping off weight this year. Not for someone else but for me. Because I’m not happy. And I deserve to be happy with myself. To love me for me. 
I think this will be a good year. I’ll try not to forget to update here more often…..

Life Happens

As the year is quickly coming to an end, I’m realizing things….. One of them is I actually knocked something OFF my resolution list! I own a house. My very own house…. This terrifies the crap out of me since I don’t have ANY cushion fund (isn’t that what tax refunds and Christmas bonus’ are for??). But I’m in a good place I think. For the most part that is.

Manager has been to the house twice. I’ve owned it for 7 months, lived in it for 4, so that’s every two months or so he comes by… Better than before, not as good as I’d like, but I’ve come to accept this. I’m not happy about it, but I don’t seem to be happy about much lately where he’s concerned. I have gotten laid however. Last time he showed up…. Not one of my favorite moments I have to say. Never thought I’d say that, but it’s true… There was nothing fun about it. I am still not comfortable around him. Not in the least. I’ve had bad sex before, I used to have bad sex quite often… I never expected it to be bad with him. Is it just bc I’m not comfortable with him or because he’s not comfortable with me? I don’t know. I don’t know a lot when it comes to him and I don’t like it. I still don’t feel special. Like I matter to him. There is no way for me to fix this because when I voice it, he just calls me goofy. Like I don’t actually mean what I’m saying, that I’m just fishing for compliments. Maybe I am sometimes, but that’s because I don’t get any anymore. He doesn’t call me baby. He doesn’t call me anything. Doesn’t talk to me…

Brain is back in my life it seems…. Thanks Snapchat for that one. Honestly tho, I’ve missed him. A lot. We spent yesterday texting and it was like nothing ever happened. Like he didn’t screw us up by sleeping w/ someone else.. I asked the all important question last night of why we never dated before and got the all telling response of “Beats me”. Guys are so frustrating. I’m not trying to date him. Honest. I have my hands full w/ Manager, but it’s nice to be able to be myself w/ someone. To be snarky and rude and have them give it back to me. He actually uttered the words “oh fuck off” to me after I said something and it made me laugh. I miss that comfort. I missed having someone want me and express to me that they want me. I think I’ll keep Brain around for a bit because if nothing else, he’s good for my ego and we all know my ego needs a boost these days.

It’s been a while….

2 years ago I had said I didn’t think I could do the Manager thing anymore. But here I am. Still doing it. A little worse for wear, but holding my own. Being myself. Growing up and learning that I don’t NEED anyone. Want? yes. But not need. Not anymore.

No idea where this came from, but  things have changed. I’m officially 30. I own a house. I have multiple dogs. My own car. My own everything. I’m not dependent on anyone else. So why can’t I end this? What is it about him that has me so invested? We’re still whatever we were, but we’re not. The days aren’t spent texting each other anymore. Sure, we do morning and night, but really, that’s it sometimes. The middle is missing. The important stuff is missing. The emotions. The letting me in. The stuff I care about.

Once upon a time I had asked him about kids. I know this bc I do it w/ everyone I want a future with. And I locked his response on my phone bc it’s what I did back then. He wanted kids. He wanted a family. Fast forward to a few months ago…. My coworker had a baby. An adorable little girl. I told him I wanted one. And just like that, he doesn’t think he’ll ever want a kid. With me? I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to be that insecure person. Didn’t want him to know how much his response affected me…. He still hasn’t met anyone in my life except for the wife. I haven’t met anyone in his either. He doesn’t ask, and I’ve quit asking bc the response is always “I’m working”.

Where does all this leave me? Unhappy. In limbo. But taking care of myself. I have good friends. I have a good support network. I just don’t have a boyfriend. Or a relationship. I have a friend. And I want more.

In the end. I want more. I deserve more….. It’s up to me to get what I deserve….

Apologies are meaningless when over used

I don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s not a relationship. It’s not anything. Hell, we hardly talk anymore. He doesn’t notice, or if he does, it doesn’t bother him. But it bugs me. No matter how much I say something, or try to explain how I’m feeling, it’s like he just brushes it off… He still doesn’t tell me anything. I called him out on it lastnight after he snapped at me bc he was cranky, and all he did was apologize. Apologies don’t change anything. They don’t make anything better. All they do is make the person saying them feel better about whatever they did/think they did. They don’t solve the problem. There is no solving the problem if you can’t acknowledge that there is one. I’m a big enough person to know something isn’t right. If he wants to live in denial, then he’s going to have to do it alone.

I’m tired of complaining I never get to see him. Tired of him saying he’ll make time for me and then nothing. I haven’t seen him since the middle of January. He works 5 mins from my house. But yet he can’t make time for me? That doesn’t say much about us now, does it? And I know it’s not a relationship. But he deemed us exclusive. It feels a lot like “I don’t want to date you, but I don’t want you dating anyone else either”… Which isn’t fair to me. I need human contact. Physical contact. I miss making out. I miss being held. I miss everything that I no longer have, and saying so doesn’t get me anywhere.

I’m starting to wonder if there’s another girl. If someone else is getting the time I’m no longer getting… I confronted him once.. Said something like “If you’re not careful I’m going to start to think there’s someone else”. Of course he said there wasn’t. It was good enough at the time, but now… Now I don’t know.

I don’t know what to do. Part of me has fallen for him to an extent. The other part…. It’s just living in this pissed off world I’ve created for myself

Seriously?!

I’m trying to explain things to Manager. My head is straight today. But I’m still being honest… And getting really really frustrated in the process.

Manager:

Miss you more.

LNT:

Nope

Manager:

Yep

LNT:

No. Bc I haven’t seen you in a month. And it bugs the hell out of me. But you never say anything so I’m not sure you notice how long it’s been….

Manager:

😦

LNT:

Sad faces don’t tell me anything. If you don’t want to see me all you have to do is tell me. It won’t change anything, I’ll still like you,I’ll just stop trying

Manager:

That’s not the case at all. I wish you’d stop saying that.

LNT:

Then start talking to me

Manager:

What do you mean? We talk everyday.

LNT:

I mean really talk to me. You don’t ask questions. Sometimes it feels like you don’t want to get to know me.

Manager:

Oh. You know I do

LNT:

You’re missing my point. You can go on about sex, which I don’t mind, I enjoy it. But that’s the only area I feel as though we really know each other

Manager:

I’m not missing your point. I understand

No answers if there are no questions

Told Manager about Officer… Well… Only that I was engaged. None of the gory details. Told him I was broken. Mentally of course, not physically… But I guess that depends on who you ask. Told him I felt like a failure bc I’m not with someone who wants me for the rest of his life. Bc I haven’t moved out yet. Bc I don’t have a job I love. Told him I’m afraid of liking him too much. Told him that I feel like an idiot bc I tell him things bc I want him to know what’s going on and he is soooooo private that he won’t tell me anything.

And his response

“Thank you for telling me all that”

No questions about anything. No nothing. Just a thank you.

So I got a very cranky look on my face and replied

“welcome”

This isn’t going to work if he can’t be open. If he doesn’t try to get to know me. I have no problem sharing myself with someone else (as all of you well know). But the other person needs to care. They need to try. I’m not doing the one sided relationship/whatever ever again. I can’t. It’s not fair

Depression Bubble

The past 2 nights have found me curled up in bed bawling my eyes out. Why you ask? I have absolutely no idea. I’m an emotional mess that I can’t sort out for the life of me. It’s like I’m in depression bubble. I’ve been down before, but never like this. I feel trapped in a hole that I can’t get out of. Maybe I don’t want to get out of it. No. I want out. I need out. This isn’t me. This isn’t healthy. I can feel myself ruining relationships without meaning to. Without knowing exactly why I was doing it. Relationships that I don’t want to ruin. That I like.

My rat is dying. I’m sure that has something to do with the disaster that is me. A rat that I never wanted in the first place is contributing to my breaking….. I wish there was an off switch. That I could flick it and all this emotion would get buried in a box somewhere until I was ready to deal with it.

Manager asked what was wrong. He told me to talk to him. But I can’t. Bc part of this stems from my insecurities regarding him. So I told him it wasn’t him. When he asked if I was sure, I said pretty sure. Bc it’s not him. It’s me. This is all in my head. And my head is starting to affect my heart. Making me question my judgment. I was talking to a friend of mine and I mentioned something about maybe being a rebound for him. Or him being one for me. And that upset me. Because I don’t want him to wake up one morning and realize he can do better and toss me to the curb. Talking to him is making me better. I can’t tell him what specifically is happening, so he’s getting paranoid. Doesn’t want it to have to do with him. So we’re good for the moment. Because he cares about me. And being told that, makes the bubble go away for the time being. It’ll be back tho. Probably tonight. After I get home from everything. I’ll end up sitting on my bed crying, for the 3rd night in a row. Upsetting the dog and forcing him to cuddle with me bc he’s learned that’s the only way to get me to stop crying. To press his head up against mine so I have no choice to lay mine down on top of his. Some days, I love that dog.

Then. Now. And?

The past…

Has a way of coming back and biting us on the ass. To say the least. I was screwing around yesterday and created a Tumblr account. Because I could. Then I had the option of it going through my contacts and finding friends. Found DQ. Found the Wife. Then found Manager… Read his. I probably shouldn’t have. It put me in such a downward spiral that it wasn’t funny.

The present…

There’s this nagging feeling in the back of my head when it comes to him. It says that I’m not good enough for him. That he knows it. He’s only buying time with me because he thinks I’ll be good in bed. Which is why getting information about him is like pulling teeth. Actually I think I’d be better at pulling teeth most days. Apparently there used to be a girl. There are always girls. But this one was special. And this one was 2 months before we started talking. So now I can’t help but to think that I’m a rebound… Which I don’t believe is true. But the rate we’re going… Seeing him once a month for 30 mins… Sounds a lot like Officer. Cept Manager and I text. We spend the day texting. Like all day. From the min he wakes up to the time I fall asleep on him. That in itself should be enough to set my mind at ease…. But it doesn’t. It won’t. Not until he actually says he wants to date me and gives me a title. Yes, we’re exclusive. He decided that months ago when we first started whatever this is. And I should take him on his word. I should. And I did. I gave up every other guy in my life and made sure any of the ones who were still talking to me or have started talking to me know I’m off the market bc of him. As far as the world is concerned, he’s my boyfriend. As far as we’re concerned, we’re exclusive without a title.

Now a stupid part of me has gone and fallen for him. I tried not to. Honest. But he’s sweet. And adorable. And it’s not just about the attention. I like talking to him. I must if we spend the entire day texting eachother. And he started the

The future…

Who knows. Anything is possible. The point is to live in the present. Right??

Clean start

It’s been months since I’ve posted. Not that I haven’t thought about it. Constantly. I just didn’t know where to start. With the fiance who is no more? With the new guy that I’m not dating but exclusive with? Maybe I should just delete everything on this blog and start over. Brand new. But I can’t do that. I can’t delete the past years of my life. Bc it happened. Bc I can’t just pretend that it didn’t as much as I want to. It’s nice to look back and read what I was feeling at a time, because I no longer feel that way. Everything changes except what you put down at the moment you’re feeling it. That’s something that lasts for forever. This is blog number…. 3 I believe. There is a LiveJournal. As well as… I can’t remember what the other one is off the top of my head, but I know it exists. It was the one before the LJ. The one teenage LNT used to spill her feelings. Back when it wasn’t necessary to hide from life. To hide from everything that made me who I am. Back when I didn’t feel as though the world was judging me by my every word and every action.

There’s something nice about the anonymity of being online. Pouring my heart out to people who have never and probably will never meet me. The fact that  the people in my every day life can’t find me.

There was a letter waiting for me today when I got home from work. Came via mail. Old school. From the only ex-girlfriend I have. On some level there was closure… On the other, I thought I had all the closure I needed, but after reading that… Maybe things could have been different. Maybe if we both weren’t where we were in life at that moment, they would have been. But what happened happened. She went back to her “ex” and I never dated another girl again. There’s something comforting about her being the only girlfriend. And traumatizing. All girls aren’t a like. I know this. I am a girl. But at the same time, you can’t help but to think…. “if it was like that with her, it’ll be like that with the next one” and I couldn’t ever bother to put myself through that pain again. Falling for her. Keeping it a secret from everyone while flirting with the guys who showed me attention. Hiding us from everyone. Her friends. My friends. Our families. They thought we were just friends. So sleepovers were fine. The weekends together, no one thought anything of them. I helped put together the bedroom set she bought for her n’ the ex fully expecting the ex to move into the house with her. To give up her life for someone else. Bc they had come out to her friends, but it was different with me. We couldn’t come out.. People wouldn’t have understood. Or some bullshit like that. She has since moved away. We exchange the occasional message on the facebook walls. The Christmas card for the holidays. Because it’s polite. But the letter today… It threw me off my game. Makes me wonder what if… But what if isn’t a possibility. Not anymore. Not with her.

If you hadn’t noticed…. Officer and I are over. Completely. At least as far as I’m concerned. The love of my life fell off the grid. Wife and I have concluded that he must have multiple personality disorder. Because him and his “partner” as well as another friend of “theirs” all sound like the same person. Same way of speaking. Same everything. With the exception of names. Once Officer went MIA his partner came out to play. Hitting on me. Saying all the same things. And I was hurt. Crushed. So I played along. I was jaded. I became a bitch. So I flirted back. And we made plans to hang out and fuck. But it never happened. And when Partner went MIA a new guy messaged me under the same SN and started the game all over again. I’m not hurt anymore. Right? I don’t think I am. After all the drama, all the stress…. It all just rolled off my back. I can’t live in the past. Those people aren’t worth my attention. I don’t log onto the sn anymore. I still have the pile of letters that I wrote. Each one becoming more flippant and less caring. Less and less I missed him, more and more I hated him. For stealing months of my life. For making me fall for someone who never existed. For playing with my head. But part of me.. Never thought it was real. Part of me was watching out for the rest of me. But it couldn’t protect all of me… Which sucks. But that was months ago. You live. You learn. You move on. Maybe when it gets warmer out, I’ll burn the letters. That sounds like a good idea 🙂

Bam sent me a message a few weeks ago. He apologized for everything that happened. Explained via email that at the time he didn’t think he was best for me. That I could do better. And I kind of went off. Everything that’s been held in for the past year+ came out. How it wasn’t his choice to decided who should or shouldn’t be in my life. After some going back and forth, we seem to be okay. He’s still out of state. I’m no longer interested in long distance. So we’re friends. We’re trying to be friends before anything else. We can’t do anything else. There needs to be a face to face. There needs to be closure. We need to be friends before we can be anything else. I went from him to nothing to engaged to nothing. Officer was the rebound. There’s no other way to describe it. Would I have been that stupid if I hadn’t gotten hurt? Probably not. Next time I’ll know better. Take it slow. Snail slow. Because anything that is rushed will fail.

Everything that’s happened has led me to this point in my life. A new me. A grown up me. I turn 30 next year. It’s time to get my shit straight. I’d say this is a good start.

So glad this month is over

So I haven’t heard from Officer’s partner in a lil over a week. To say I’m going insane is putting it lightly. I have done every google/yahoo/whatever search on an officer who was shot on 7/4 but nothing. There is nothing anywhere. There is no obit either (yes, my paranoia got the best of me n’ I checked). No news is good news… Isn’t that what they say? Well they were wrong. I’d rather hear bad news than nothing.

But on top of not knowing anything about my boyfriend, I am now jobless. Walked into the office on Wed morning to find my boss was already there. She sat me down, and fired me for not meeting deadlines. And blah blah blah… She just kept repeating the phrase “with a heavy heart” and “it’s nothing personal”. Which is fine. I was looking around for a new job anyway, but still…. 2 days before my 2 year?? are you kidding me?! Who fires someone on a Wed anyway????? At least now I don’t feel bad about bad mouthing her on FB where, for some reason, she still has me friended.

On the plus side, I did get my final full paycheck from that hell hole. And while i’m not broke (2g in cushion), I have bills to pay still. So I can’t afford to be w/ a job. Filed for unemployment that wed as I was babysitting… So we’ll see how that goes.

Fingers crossed that August can only go better for me!!

My world is cumbling.

Last convo I had with Officer was normal… then end went like this:

  • Jul 03 5:08 PM
    Officer :Love u.Sexy
  • Jul 03 5:11 PM
    LNT:Be careful!!
  • Jul 03 5:11 PM
    LNT:Love you too

Today I’ve heard from his partner….

  • Officer Partner :this is Officer partner
  • LNT :What’s going on???
  • Officer Partner : Officer was in a shot in a gang shooting
  • LNT:is he ok
  • LNT :????
  • LNT:Where is he?
  • Officer Partner : in the hospital in a coma
  • Officer Partner: before he went under he was askin for u

I sat in the bathroom and cried for a good 30mins till my boss came in and told me I wasn’t allowed to cry in there. That I needed to leave for the day. But i’m still at work. I’m trying to at least make it till noon… I don’t want to leave the computer bc his Partner is still messaging me…