All is good

Time for my yearly update. I swear I don’t forget about here, but I just don’t have the time to sit down and update you (or no one…) about life on a regular basis.

The new guy from the last post is no more. We met up on my birthday last year and made out, but nothing came of it. I think my head space was wrong and I went into “needy girl” mode. A total turn off. Looking back at his Snapchat n’ whatnot, I think I dodged a bullet. So not my type.

There have been guys since then. “The Nerd” as my friends called him was around for a few months, but aside from good/quick sex (initiated by me while he was trying to leave) once, he was a total flake. It ended when he couldn’t find more than an hr (does this sound familiar??) to spend with me and confessed to seeing another girl as well (after he said he might be in love with me!). I kicked him out of my house and that was that until he reached out about a month ago and said he missed me and he wanted another shot. That maybe he could find time for a date. I told him I didn’t want anyone who needed to “find time” for a date and goodbye.

There was a serious guy, Colorado, back in April-July of this year…. Oh did I fall for him. Hard. As his name states, he lives out of state. Made for a difficult relationship to say the least. He was out by me when we met, and went home and came back a few times. Dumped me twice (!!) because he was still in love with his ex (current!) wife (3 kids involved as well…) I spent a week out there with him before the final dumping. Got a great vacation and a promise ring (that he would come back) out of the deal. Sometimes I still put the ring on because it’s a 1/2 carat and I can’t bare to part with it. He and I still talk. Normally only when I’m drunk/high. I think he believes that’s safer because I won’t remember anything in the AM about what we talked about. I still miss him horribly. He’s still the best sex I’ve ever had. Told him I loved him as well (not after sex!). I do, that’s not going to go away, but I’m not going to be hung up on someone who doesn’t have his life in order (not again!).

Kinda seeing someone else right now as well… The Vegan. He’s 29 (I’m less hung up on the 4 year difference now  than I was in the beginning of this), personal trainer, MMA fighter, 8% body fat (getting over the issues in my head on this one.. oh boy). But he’s really sweet. And I get weekly date nights. We went to see a concert, and a movie, walked along the beach, and cooked for each other. If he still wasn’t going on dates with other girls, it’d be perfect. The sex (the one time we’ve done it so far) wasn’t perfect, but after gossiping with The Wife, the first time with a new guy never is going to be amazing. We’ll see if he sticks around long enough to give it a second go around. We have plans with The Wife and her hubby to go apple picking, and then he’s going to attend the birthday shenanigans with all my friends for my 33rd. I like this one, but I’m not going to get my hopes up. We’re at two totally different places- he’s sending out applications for his Master’s this week and owns a cat while renting an apartment, while I have my own house full of pets and despise school like no other.

Brain has been reaching out lately for sex. For the first time in 10 years I forgot to wish him a happy birthday…. He didn’t even cross my mind. I haven’t seen him in a year. I did find him on a dating app the other day and swiped right just for the fun of it 🙂 But I keep saying no to the sex b/c of The Vegan. Bc I don’t know what we are or if we’re sleeping with other people. It’s one of those convos we need to have at some point.

An update from me wouldn’t be complete without an update about Manager, right?? There really isn’t one. He found me on a dating site after Colorado and I broke up the final time and asked bout it (Colorado finally got me my house key back!! Then I gave it to him and haven’t asked for it back yet…). I lied and said we were still together and I was looking for a person for a 3some. He flipped out on me. Said it was unfair that he wanted that with me, but I was unwilling then he asked if he was even considered as a 3rd. I said no. Even if he had been, he wasn’t in my phone anymore (blocked him) and had no way of contacting him. Then went off about how I couldn’t trust him to not talk to other girls so how was I supposed to trust him to have my back with another guy. That was it. Haven’t talked since. He’s still blocked in my phone. He’s blocked on the app as well.

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On to newer and better things

As is the way I work, there is a new guy. Surprise!!

The new guy reminds me of Manager, but at the same time it’s Manager 2.0. He takes selfies, uses snapchat, and isn’t afraid to be a smartass. Then again, we’ve only been talking for a little over a week. But we’re supposed to meet this week and see how things play out. He’s fun. I guess that describes him. I need fun in my life. I need to smile. To sit at my desk and grin like a nutcase. I’ve been doing that. He’s got dogs so he understands my issues with the puppy. He flirts and is bad (like the good kind of bad). I have no idea if this will lead anywhere. I’m not pushing for it to. Whatever happens happens. No pressure. No freaking out. Nothing. I’m taking it one day at a time.

FedEx and I don’t talk anymore. Haven’t heard from him since July. Neither of us tried, I don’t think either of us really cared enough to make anything try or to even attempt to meet each other. Oh well.

I sent Brain a quick message that said I’ve known him for like 9 years. He replied back w/ that means we should have sex or something along those lines. Which led me to ask about the gf (he started seeing someone like a week after we last hooked up) and apparently she was psycho and a bad lay. So he’s come back to me. I’m okay with that. Part of me has feelings for him still. Part of me misses the fun. Part of me even remember the fun sex. So we’re going to do this. Because per this blog, we met once upon an October day…. Guess we’re back to the tradition of October sex. I’m surprisingly okay with this. We’re never going to date. It wouldn’t end well. He’s just…. not right for me. But he does make a great friend when I need him and that’s so much better than anything else.

Had two first dates in the last month. Both guys I met off Bumble.
First one turned out I went to HS with. I had no idea who he was, he didn’t know who I was. He was pushy, grabby, and very direct. We decided that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and really only wanted FWB. Which I was actually okay with. But nothing ever came of it. I haven’t heard from him since he blew me off one night nor have I tried to contact him since.
2nd one was last week…. Oh it was bad. It was actually pretty damn horrible. I wasn’t overly attracted to him physically, but I thought I could get around that. Turns out there was a bad personality to match the physical issues. He was hungover from the night before, so drank to “feel better”. Then he got obnoxious. Problem with me is once I get annoyed, you can tell. You can see it on my face and in my body language. Once he learned I was annoyed he flat out told me he didn’t care that he was being obnoxious because he felt better and that he was going to see just how annoying he could be. Couldn’t believe when I ended it. Seriously?! You’re going to be an ass and act surprised when I don’t want to be around you?! He even had the nerve to ask me at what point it got to be too much and wanted feedback for next time. I said no. Said he’d understand if I didn’t talk to him again. He texted me the next day and asked what I was up to. He said he remembered me telling him after I replied and wished me a good rest of the day.

Do you want a Manager update? Are you tired of hearing about him? Cuz I am. I saw him in August. Nothing physical. Just hanging out at my house. It was nice. He opened up more than ever before.  Then when he left he went back to being a closed off asshole and I let him. I just didn’t have the energy in me to fight anymore so I didn’t. It’s been about a month since I’ve heard from him and I’m a lot happier now that I was while we were talking this past year. Somethings just aren’t meant to be and you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped. I’m self-destructive enough on my own, I can’t be a rock for someone else until I can pull myself together and I sure as shit can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. In the end, he just didn’t want it. I accused him of not loving me. Told him I knew he didn’t and that I couldn’t do this anymore. I’m not sure he took me seriously, but for once I was.
I’m trying to move on (hence the dating). I’m trying to do me. To not think of him and how things were. To not compare the new guys to him (good or bad). I’m actually doing a pretty good job of it. He’ll always have a place in my heart, but he doesn’t have to have one in my head. Not anymore.

Forgetfullness will be the death of me

So I got to see Brain over the long weekend. Didn’t realize just how much I missed him until he showed up on my front porch. Of course, seeing Brain leads to sex. Bad sex, but fun sex. He hadn’t gotten laid in almost 6 years he said, so I really wasn’t expecting much. And I didn’t get much. But it was still fun. It was fun to sit on the couch and make-out with him. To not feel the least bit of self conscious around him since I’ve known him for 10ish years. It was nice to be myself for once.

BUT….

I haven’t had sex since Manager back in October. Wasn’t much planning on having sex anytime soon. So I wasn’t on anything. And Brain doesn’t use condoms (we used to be exclusive FWB, he ruined that n’ gave me something. I stopped doing him). So here I am, Saturday night, freaking out because I’m not on anything and he didn’t use anything… Then I stopped freaking out put on my big girl panties, and remembered it wasn’t the end of the world. That I could run out to the store in the morning and get the morning after pill. Wasn’t able to do that until the afternoon however. But I did take it. So now there’s an alarm set on my phone for next month to remind me to take a test if I haven’t had a period yet. I will not freak out until then however. Knowing me, I might just forget until the alarm goes off.

 

Fed-Ex is still in the picture. We still haven’t met. Still haven’t talked about what we are (or aren’t) so there’s no guilt about this. We still don’t talk everyday and I’m still okay with not talking to him on a daily basis. Nothing is going to come of this. I’ve acknowledged that. I’m not sure if he knows it or not, but until we meet (if we meet), I’m not worried about him.

 

Manager has tried to talk to me. Turns out he closed the PO Box I sent the letters to, so I emailed them to him. And nothing. No response. He tried talking to me the other day and I called him out on this shit. It’s not fair. He finally told me why he never dated me. Why he never tried to even date me. His reason was complete and utter shit.Since he started trying to talk to me again, I’ve gone back to not being able to sleep (part of this is probably the fault of the diet pills I’m on, but part is totally his fault). About 2:30 I had sent the following message to him (so long that it turned into a MMS instead of a normal text)

There is so much running through my head that it’s 2am and I’m wide awake still.
I’m hurt. And pissed off. But mostly hurt. After everything that’s happened you didn’t have the faith in me to ask me first. Why are you even talking to me right now? I can’t mean anything to you after that. I know your physically attracted to me, but that’s just not enough anymore. You don’t acknowledge the existence of my feelings. Ever! Didn’t acknowledge the letters. Nothing. So why should I be talking to you? So you can vanish again? You’re good at that when it comes to me. Maybe I should take a hint. Let you stay gone. You certainly haven’t needed me at all over the past 5 months. You want sex. Fine. I can do that. Give me time to bottle my emotions and you can be a fuck buddy. Don’t need a relationship for sex. Make up your mind already when it comes to me. I’m not a yo-yo. You can’t take me off a shelf because you suddenly miss me. You’re screwing with my head. I start to put things back together, to acknowledge that you’re MIA again, and wham, there you are. Like a fucking freight train throwing everything out of balance. Tell me what you want from me. Don’t give me that I don’t know bullshit because you do. I’m tired of one word responses. Of smilies. They don’t tell me anything and I can’t have a conversation with them. I won’t have a conversation with them. Not anymore. Convince me that I mean something to you. Because I’m convinced it was all just pretty words without anything to back them up. Prove me wrong.

He replied back with “well put and noted” then sent me a heart. I didn’t know how to respond so I didn’t. This is drama I don’t need. I don’t want. But I can’t seem to give him up.
All this happened before Brain and I hooked up over the weekend. That’s how little I care right now. I’m done trying (I know! I keep saying that… maybe one day I’ll actually mean it)

I think I’d miss you even if we’d never met

And miss him I do. Manager that is. But it’s not that heartbreaking missing anymore. Maybe because I mailed out those 2 letters once the weekend was over. After he messaged me. I needed to feel free. And I do. I have no idea if he’s read them. He sent me a high on the 1st, and I replied a few hours later with hi (as I was busy and he no longer deserves for me to drop what I’m doing to reply), but that was it. No elaboration. No conversation. No nothing.

I’m stronger than I thought I was. I’m stronger than I still think I am. I am strong. I am surviving. I’m not drinking. I’m not drowning. I’m living. I’m back up on the dating sites. I’m talking to a few new guys. Texting one of them daily (but not from sun up to sun down. That still feels like a special thing with Manager). FedEx is different. And I was talking about this with Wife. She married someone who wasn’t her ideal. Was so far from her ideal that I felt comfortable asking her how she did it. How she managed to tell herself that he wasn’t perfect and that was okay. She explained to me that it took time. That it’s still taking time. Said that they texted and snapchatted a lot before meeting him. And their first kiss was incredible. She kept telling herself that she wasn’t going to pick out all the non-ideal stuff about him and was just going to see where it went. She liked how he treated her, how he was a nice guy and wouldn’t lie to her, and how all her ideals before him treated her like shit. She said to focus on how he treats me and makes me feel not all the physical stuff. The moment she knew they were meant to be is she said she could gain 300# and he would still adore her. That right there is exactly what I want. What I deserve.

FedEx is different. He’s not my ideal but he’s nice. We started talking right before he went on vacation, and we continued to talk while he was gone. They’re not deep meaningful conversations. There are no good mornings or good nights. Sometimes it’s awkward. I feel no need to try to keep up conversation, so it dies out. But for the time being, it’s nice to talk to someone again.

It’s nice to talk to a few different guys even if it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m not trying. Not actively. I say no to a lot more than I talk to. 99% of the people interested in me I either say no to, or I delete the message without responding. I don’t have to try. I’m not ready to try. Until I stop thinking about Manager randomly when things happen and I want to tell him, it wouldn’t be fair to a new guy in my life.

I’m taking care of me. I’m focusing on me. Because if I don’t love myself first, no one else is going to be able to. And it’s going to take a lot before I’m able to love myself again.

Downward spiral

I’ve been trying to be good lately. Been getting my shit together. Not thinking about Manager at all…. But Thursday it all hit the fan. I was updating my extremely outdated OKCupid profile and went searching around. It was all fun and games until I came across Manager’s profile. It must have been active while we were together. It said he’d be open to a relationship. And I just died. I pulled out the anniversary bottle of scotch and started drinking. Then got a notification saying he looked at my profile… and I kept drinking. A co-worker called and we spent 4-5 hours on the phone. I was drinking, she was keeping me company. The bottle was half gone by midnight, we were still on the phone. I don’t have a history of dealing with things well.

Friday morning the co-worker comes in for a meeting with a bagel and orange juice for me. Friday afternoon/evening all was well. Went out to dinner w/ family and avoiding drinking (my poor sister covered for me and drank my drinks for me).

Saturday I was feeling a lot more like me. I have amazing friends who fully and completely have my back and who talk me out of doing stupid things (nothing life threatening!!!) Then Saturday afternoon/eveningish I get a text from Manager. It said:

Hi. I miss you too

Apparently after my last message of he knew where to find me if he wanted to talk, I told him I missed him. That was 2 months ago!

I haven’t replied to his message. Mostly because I’d tell him to go fuck himself. That he can’t miss me because he never had me. Because he never wanted me. Also because my friends told me that I’m better than that. He spent 2 months pretending that I don’t exist, he doesn’t deserve a reply from me. There are however 2 letters here that need to be mailed out. One is 4 pages long. It was written a few days before the OKCupid thing. It tells him everything that happened during the 3 years together. Everything I felt. Everything I kept inside of me. The other I wrote Thursday before I got too trashed. It has a lot more swearing in it because I was pissed off. It accuses him of being selfish. Of breaking me. Of using me. They both were supposed to get mailed out Friday, but I forgot to grab them before I left for work. They’ll go out Monday if I remember to grab them. It’s important they get sent out. Important that I don’t reply to him before he reads them or else I won’t have the strength to send them. Because I am  stupid. I would probably take him back if he asked me to. Because I do still love him. But he doesn’t love me. And I deserve someone who will love me as I love them.

 

Money

Money makes the world go round…. Truer words have never been spoken.
I’ve kept a much closer look on my finances since I bought a house. Does that mean I’ve grown up and quit splurging on anything and everything I wanted? Hell no. I can’t manage to pay off my credit cards for the life of me. I owe my mother and my grandmother for helping me out with buying/renovating the house still. I don’t think either is expecting to get their money back, but the fact that I owe them doesn’t sit well with me. I got an email the other day from a website called Mint which I use (kinda…) to track my spending/accounts. It told me that I’m currently using 40% of my credit. Which is most likely correct. I’m at over 50% of my Discover limit and I can’t seem to keep my Visa paid off for the life of me.

Hi. My name is LetsNotTalk and I have a spending problem. A big spending problem. Taking into consideration what I owe everybody in my life and my cards, I’m currently in debt roughly 40k. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this funk. I received a text yesterday from the bank telling me my tax return hit my account so this morning, I logged on and spent it. Dropped half of it into my quickly dwindling savings account and the other half got applied towards the credit cards (smallest balance got majority). I also get 3 paychecks this month, so the last paycheck is going to have the same thing happen next month. I’m going to drop half into savings and the  other half to my cards. Thank god I got a promotion and raise at work or else I don’t know what I’d do.

I’ve gotten really good at assuring the people in my life that financially I’m okay. That everything is okay and I have money to go out with them and spend on things I really can’t afford. I can reassure my mom that I can afford the things in my life, bc honestly, I can. If I could figure out how to manage my money I’d be okay. If I could figure out how to pay off my cards and never use them again, I’d be so much better! That’s my goal. Pay off the Visa. Have mom take my name off of it. Then pay off my Discover and only keep it for emergencies (the real card is sitting in mom’s house… but I have it linked with my paypal account which is just as dangerous (if not more) as having it physically on me).

 

It’s time to grow up. It’s time to be financially dependent. I need to be able to take care of my self. To have money in the bank in case something ever happens to me. Or to the house and I need to make repairs.

Distractions

I’m getting pretty good at keeping myself distracted. The weather was absolutely beautiful over the weekend, so I hit up Menards and went on a shopping spree!! Well close enough. I bought indoor stuff. Outdoor stuff…. Then ordered new fencing online. It’s going to be a very productive summer for me. The puppies are an amazing distraction as well. As it gets nicer they get walks. Finally hit my fitbit goal the other day after going for a 2 mile walk. I was tired. Sore. But it was empowering. I forgot that I could walk that far.

Mom did my taxes for me the other day. I get a nice chunk of change back this year (although not as much as I was expecting after buying a house..). I already have plans for my entire refund. Some goes to credit cards. Some goes to my savings account. Some is actually going to be play money! It’ll be amazing to have money that I can actually spend on myself instead of bills, dogs, or house related stuff…. I really shouldn’t spend the play money tho. I should be saving it and applying it toward a new car… That’s the goal for the end of the year still. Savings account money is going to be applied towards home expenses. I was reviewing my home inspection and remembered that there were important things that needed to be done. Spring/Summer is the perfect time to get all this done, so I need all the savings that I can possibly get. Thank god for months with 3 paychecks. Being an adult sucks.

Sometime this year, I’ve decided that I want a vacation. Not a staycation, but actually going somewhere. I really want to go somewhere. Not even go, but stay in a hotel. Avoid my house. Take time off work. Be pampered. Be free. Now if this actually happens, is a completely different thing. Wants/needs…. don’t always happen. Especially now that I have plans for money and goals to hit.

I’m getting better at being on my own. Not relying on people for things. It used to be that I couldn’t go out alone. Couldn’t grocery shop. Clothes shop. Do much of anything. But as the social anxiety is going away, I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m stronger than I thought I was. I don’t care as much as what people think about me. I don’t need other people to be happy. If I have me, and I like me at the end of the day, then that’s really all that matters in my world.

Off to mom’s house now for a free fitness evaluation. Lets see how unhealthy I really am and what can be done to make me healthier.

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