That was a bust

Valentines Day came and went…. Did Manager step up and say a word to me? Nope. Brain bailed on me as well. Went out drinking w/ DQ on Saturday night. Sent Brain a message and he agreed to sex Sunday night… Sent him a text Sunday morning, and nothing… Sent him another Sunday night about 11pm thanking him for blowing me off. Seriously. That’s so what I needed in my life. For one more guy to disappoint me.

I spent Saturday replacing door knobs in the house. Turns out that’s really good for getting your frustration out. I’ve replaced 4 out of 8. Now most people wouldn’t think anything of this, except I’m replacing 1950’s brass knobs with current chrome ones. And the chrome have inside pieces that are longer and bigger than the brass ones. Which means I’m taking a chisel (bc I don’t own the right pieces for my drill) to expand the sections that need it. Solid 1950’s doors too. I hurt when I’m done, but I feel so good being able to do things myself. Proving to myself that I don’t need a guy in my life.

I meant to backup my phone yesterday, but forgot (got lazy). So I did it today after work. I deleted pictures of me. Of Manager. Cleaned out my gmail as well. All the text backups that were there are gone. There’s no trace of him in my email. There’ll soon be no trace of him in my phone… It’s going to kill me to do that, but it has to be done. I can’t play games. I truly love him. Love that goes to the depth of my soul. Losing him is like losing a piece of myself. I will forever love him…. Nothing will change that. Maybe if I remove him from my life, then I won’t hurt so badly anymore.

It’s been a while….

2 years ago I had said I didn’t think I could do the Manager thing anymore. But here I am. Still doing it. A little worse for wear, but holding my own. Being myself. Growing up and learning that I don’t NEED anyone. Want? yes. But not need. Not anymore.

No idea where this came from, but  things have changed. I’m officially 30. I own a house. I have multiple dogs. My own car. My own everything. I’m not dependent on anyone else. So why can’t I end this? What is it about him that has me so invested? We’re still whatever we were, but we’re not. The days aren’t spent texting each other anymore. Sure, we do morning and night, but really, that’s it sometimes. The middle is missing. The important stuff is missing. The emotions. The letting me in. The stuff I care about.

Once upon a time I had asked him about kids. I know this bc I do it w/ everyone I want a future with. And I locked his response on my phone bc it’s what I did back then. He wanted kids. He wanted a family. Fast forward to a few months ago…. My coworker had a baby. An adorable little girl. I told him I wanted one. And just like that, he doesn’t think he’ll ever want a kid. With me? I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to be that insecure person. Didn’t want him to know how much his response affected me…. He still hasn’t met anyone in my life except for the wife. I haven’t met anyone in his either. He doesn’t ask, and I’ve quit asking bc the response is always “I’m working”.

Where does all this leave me? Unhappy. In limbo. But taking care of myself. I have good friends. I have a good support network. I just don’t have a boyfriend. Or a relationship. I have a friend. And I want more.

In the end. I want more. I deserve more….. It’s up to me to get what I deserve….

Seriously?!

I’m trying to explain things to Manager. My head is straight today. But I’m still being honest… And getting really really frustrated in the process.

Manager:

Miss you more.

LNT:

Nope

Manager:

Yep

LNT:

No. Bc I haven’t seen you in a month. And it bugs the hell out of me. But you never say anything so I’m not sure you notice how long it’s been….

Manager:

😦

LNT:

Sad faces don’t tell me anything. If you don’t want to see me all you have to do is tell me. It won’t change anything, I’ll still like you,I’ll just stop trying

Manager:

That’s not the case at all. I wish you’d stop saying that.

LNT:

Then start talking to me

Manager:

What do you mean? We talk everyday.

LNT:

I mean really talk to me. You don’t ask questions. Sometimes it feels like you don’t want to get to know me.

Manager:

Oh. You know I do

LNT:

You’re missing my point. You can go on about sex, which I don’t mind, I enjoy it. But that’s the only area I feel as though we really know each other

Manager:

I’m not missing your point. I understand