Hiding from reality

New year, new me?

letsnottalk — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 15:50:50 +0000

Forgot for a bit that I had this blog… Actually I didn’t, but I just haven’t had time to update anything.

I was doing good. Really good. And then I just kinda let it all slip through my fingers. Which is my own fault of course, but everything works out in the end, right?

I have a new job. Management company that owns like…. 12 nursing homes. 3 of which I’m in charge of. Which totally beats doing 6 of them and practically losing my mind everyday.
Bam is still in my life… wasn’t for a bit, then moved in w/ me for a lil, then out, and now he’s in FL. Which doesn’t do me a bit of good, but we’re still whatever we were earlier. We both know we have feelings for eachother, but he’s not moving back till he has $$ saved up n’ a job n’ everything lined up here again. And then, we shall date. Maybe? Who knows. I’ve flat out told him that he has my heart, always has n’ probably always will. So that’s something, right? I mean I never put myself out on the line like that so the fact that I have with him has to mean something. What does it mean when a guy is willing to get you tattooed on himself? Hopefully a lot. Or at least i’m taking it that way b/c that’s how I am. I love this guy. Truly. And I refuse to let him get away again. Last time it almost killed me, and I can’t go through that again.. (but you don’t know about last time b/c I took a break from spilling myself to strangers).

I had a relationship back in December. I did. Well… not really.. He thought we were in a relationship. I stuck him in limbo b/c I didn’t want to be w/ him, but I didn’t want to be alone either. The poor kid went n’ fell for me too. Shame the feelings weren’t the same on my end. But really, I don’t need a guy who doesn’t have a job or isn’t going to school and isn’t amounting to anything with his life. I don’t need that. I’ve grown past that stage and know what I need. It’s an all or nothing things these days. I shouldn’t have to settle for something that’s not everything I want and more…

I have some of the best friends in the world. They are my rock. They keep me grounded as well as let me float a bit and imagine the “what ifs” in life. They are the best people I have ever known, and I am extremely thankful to have them in my life. All of them.

There is no sex to be had. At least none this year (ok. I lie. I tried w/ Brain, but he had drank so much that he couldn’t keep it up, so that doesn’t count as sex. right?) I spent too much of last year sleeping around w/ random people n’ then having the losers decide that they’re actually in love w/ me. Too much drama that I don’t need. Hopefully this year will be different…. Hopefully.

This is the year of me. It’s all about me. And what’s good for me. Which would explain the weightloss. Something that needed to happen for my sanity and not for anything else. But i’m proud of it, and I’m going to continue on it. So bugger off if you have anything negative to say about it. I don’t wanna hear it. This is my year and everything will go my way!

Damn him pt.2

letsnottalk — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 01:37:22 +0000

With all said and done, no matter how drunk i may have gotten…. I went over there. And spent the night with him. So i’ve given up trying to get over him. Whatever. Shit happens. And I can’t control anything, much less my feelings, anymore. So yes, I had sex w/ a guy who has a gf. Whatever. Not the 1st time. Won’t be the last. Promised that lastnight didn’t happen. So the only people who know that I was over there other then us, are mom n’ the sis.

But according to the popular social networking site, they are no longer together. Uh oh?

Damn him

letsnottalk — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 05:10:15 +0000

My morals abandoned me. I don’t care that he has a girlfriend. So I’m drinking so much that someone else has a chance with me tonight as long as they drive.

He asked for sex. Then nothing…. Then I learn on FB that they’re together. He wasn’t sure she’d accept when he txt’d me. But no, he couldn’t tell me. I had to learn on a fucking social networking site. It’s been 3 months. He wasn’t in my phone. I don’t use messengers anymore. I was good. I was trying to move on. But no. That was too easy..
What do you do when you try to move on, but the other person just doesn’t want to let you out of their grasp? When it’s just a game to them?

Another one!

letsnottalk — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 05:08:50 +0000

Ben n’ the gf are having another baby. I get another baby!! I totally called godmother, but I don’t know if the gf’s sister is gong to put up a fit like she did w/ the 1st one….. I hope not. I want one of those kids.

Really? Are we back in Kindergarden??

letsnottalk — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 04:59:13 +0000

I can care less that she’s talking to him. I have nothing against him n’ only wish him the best in anything he does… But when she calls me to tell me that they’re talking (assuming that I care, or that I don’t already know), to tell me that she brought up my name only to say that she told him if he were to come here he’d have to stay far away for risk of me killing/hurting him. Really now? I mean seriously? That’s childish. There are no hard feelings… What I don’t understand is why she’d even do that.. I don’t mention him. She’s got this thing in her head that I’m holding a grudge or something. And I’m not. I’m just annoyed. At her.

And then she goes and comments somewhere where she shouldn’t about a group regarding ex’s. That mine are somehow worse then hers. Mine who, surprisingly enough, I’m mostly friends with. I talk to them. We get along these days. Hers who, unsurprisingly enough, fuck her over. Make her cry. Cheat on her. And then she takes them back. Over and over again. All the while, getting on my case about Brain (b/c yes, we’re still talking. And i’m still debating sex.) despite the fact that him n’ i were NEVER dating. Granted, what he did was wrong, but we weren’t anything to each other. And he said sorry. I forgive. I don’t forget. And I’m giving him shit for it, and he’s taking it w/o bitching. And she got on my case for Bam. Who never made any promises. Who lost internet. Who was never mine to start with. Who is back in my life like a tornado, and doesn’t show any sign of leaving. But if either does leave/screw-up, it’s okay. Because we’re not anything to each other in the end.

Like a kid on Christmas morning

letsnottalk — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 04:00:33 +0000

We talked. For a few hours. Got everything straightened out. He’s not engaged. And he likes me!

*hops around the room singing “he likes me” over and over again

I’m happy. Truly happy. I’ll be even happier after we hang out n’ he asks me out :p

Happy New Year

letsnottalk — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 09:20:49 +0000

The 1st 3 hours of this year sucked. Hopefully that isn’t a preview for the months to come….

Hope all you out in internetland have a great year

That might have been the worst attempt at sex that i’ve had in YEARS…. He was horrible. Beyond horrible… I don’t remember him being that bad in highschool, but then again, I try not to think of those days. We didn’t do it. He forgot the condom, and since I didn’t want to, I didn’t bother telling him I have an entire box full :p
I must go bleach my sheets now….. and damnit, they were like my favorite ones!!

Heartbroken

letsnottalk — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 02:52:45 +0000

I feel like an idiot.

I’m back to being a hermit

Girlfriend???

letsnottalk — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 08:32:24 +0000

As I was leaving tonight, I remote started my car from his apt. In order to do so, I had to lock it twice so it beeped… At the beep, he looks at me and goes “that’s my other girlfriend”. I was speechless, so I just looked at him. He goes “yeah, she’s the kind I have to blow up”… He didn’t clarify the other girlfriend comment tho…. So I’m left wondering, does he consider me his girlfriend??

Where’d all the sleep go?

letsnottalk — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:32:14 +0000

3:30 in the morning, and I’m wide awake. Doesn’t matter that I just got home. All that matters is I’m wide awake, and can’t sleep. Yes, I’m laying here in bed writing this. After my desktop took a shit and died, the laptop decided it wanted to get wireless in my room, so it’s spending the days hanging out on my bed.

I was hoping that not seeing him for a month would mean I’d love him a little less. But that wasn’t the case. Didn’t help that he wasn’t an asshole tonight. I’m so use to him being a jerk when everything’s done, that it doesn’t bother me. But it throws me so off balance when he’s sweet and caring. Left the back door open for me so I could just walk into the apartment while he was in the shower(mmm did he smell good straight from the shower). Admitted that he actually trusted me (this is big b/c he doesn’t really trust anyone).
And it didn’t stop there… he was really sweet in bed… Held my hands… and not just held them in place, but interlocked fingers. I got those sweet little kisses. When he kissed me, I joked that it was to shut me up, and he said no; it was because he felt like it. We basically had a 2 hour makeout session. With his lips barely ever leaving mine. I don’t even mind the beard rash from the stubble.
He just wasn’t himself… I didn’t get kicked out right afterwards (he’s gotten better about that over time), we hung out, talked, told me work stories… Then said he always feels bad kicking me out. But I understand why. He can’t sleep w/ someone else there…. He’s a lot like me in that sense. Weird.

So I don’t know… I don’t want to love him. I really don’t. Because deep down I know it’s not going to ever go anywhere. But at the same time, I can’t help myself from doing it. I wish my feelings had a little off switch that I could flip when things got too confusing like this. I just wish he’d tell me what he wanted. Like just lay everything out on the table…. Because those moments when he looks down at me the way he does, they give me hope. And I hate hanging on to something as small as a look for just a little bit of hope.