I feel like an idiot.
I’m back to being a hermit
I feel like an idiot.
I’m back to being a hermit
As I was leaving tonight, I remote started my car from his apt. In order to do so, I had to lock it twice so it beeped… At the beep, he looks at me and goes “that’s my other girlfriend”. I was speechless, so I just looked at him. He goes “yeah, she’s the kind I have to blow up”… He didn’t clarify the other girlfriend comment tho…. So I’m left wondering, does he consider me his girlfriend??
3:30 in the morning, and I’m wide awake. Doesn’t matter that I just got home. All that matters is I’m wide awake, and can’t sleep. Yes, I’m laying here in bed writing this. After my desktop took a shit and died, the laptop decided it wanted to get wireless in my room, so it’s spending the days hanging out on my bed.
I don’t know what made me look at his page, but the fact that it now says he’s engaged. Well, that’s the end of that. Right now, I don’t even want to talk to him ever again.
I recently gave my friend 2 months to date me or never mention his crush ever again. The crush is mutual. Has been for the past 6 years.
But time is running out. And I don’t know what I want to do when it does. Do I continue to wait for him? or move on?
I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants him to suck it up and just get on with it… Another isn’t sure that if we do date, that it’ll be everything we wanted it to be. With his crazy work schedule and me still looking for a job… He blames the fact that we’re not together on the fact that he’s just such a crazy work schedule. But at the same time, I think that if he really, and I mean really, wanted to make this happen, then he’d find a few hours to do it….
Who knows what’s going to happen…
Cost me 3 hours, $38, and my sanity to realize a part of me loves him.
Shit
A month later I learn that I’m not. Thank god. Freaking out for an entire month is not healthy. 3 people knew. Ben and Casper said they’d support whatever I decided to do.
DQ said I wasn’t allowed to get rid of it in any sense. Said that I could move there n’ she’d take care of us. I love her, but that….. no. That’s not right.
I’m glad i’m not. but at the same time, I kinda wish I was. But only if the other person would have been someone else. Almost anyone else. Or at least someone who didn’t ignore you after you had sex w/ him. But as previously stated, no more sex w/ people who aren’t Brain.
Ran into a former coworker while food shopping. My ex-boss has been through 2 people since getting rid of me. I laughed. So hard. Didn’t think they could keep anyone around to work w/ her. And I was right. Muahahahaha
But on the work front, still job hunting. But at least i’m back in school and doing something w/ myself other then sitting around. I have odd jobs here n’ there and my uncle just lost his babysitter, so I may watch my cousins for the rest of the summer.
I should really either learn not to have sex w/ people other then Brain. Or take my damn birthcontrol pills on time. But since it wasn’t really an issue before this, I guess it didn’t bother me.
Now it’s an issue.
And Michell’s WEDDING is Saturday. But my jobless ass doesn’t have the $ to go. I think I might cry at that fact.
I have an offer to move to NY tho. Sometimes it’s tempting.
There’s not much to say..
After a year of not hearing from Brain, we got together and had amazing sex. Who knows what’s happening now.
I am still having sex w/ my friend. But him n’ I can hang out and just hang out. We’re friends before anything else.
I’m jobless. Yup. But it’s okay. I really wasn’t happy, and now i’m back in school (while jub hunting of course)
Ben is having a baby boy! I’m going to be an Aunt and have an adorable little boy to spoil rotten!
I’m completely happy without a boyfriend. Actually, probably happier then i’ve been in a long time and for a longer amount of time then normal.
Discuss.
Ignore.
Whatever.
I’m curious
The whole giving up guys for lent idea is working out really well. For the most part. Hung out w/ Jiz the other night as well as 2 friends of ours. Girls night. till some of Jiz’s friends showed up… Woulda been fine except i have a crush on one of them and the other seems to have a crush on me.. He was touchy and clingy… At least my friends understand that i’ve given them up until after Easter and they accept it (but they still try to break me of it). I’m kicking ass at the no shopping thing… Did however end up dropping $350 at the vet, but that was needed and not shopping.. Woo for tax returns!
And then I cut out 3/4 of the post….
I’ve gotten over the emotional-mess-breakdown-whatever-it-was. I’m good. But that’s in the post that’s still sitting in my bag that i’m just too comfy to get up n’ type up.
I’m an emotional mess.
The randomness in my head
1. I’m going to be an aunt. Ben is having a baby!!!
2. I am house hunting. Yes, house. Not apt. I will own something.
3. Boss is back at work after being gone for over a month. I’m back to job hunting.
4. Michelle is getting married…. I need to find the money to go to the wedding.
a. As well as the money for Ben’s baby shower
5. My friends are invading my dreams. I’m afraid to find out what it means.
6. Guys are good in bed. Sex toys are easier (no worry of emotional attachment).
7. Sex needs to be fun. If it’s not, then it’s not worth doing.
8. I’m thinking of being a Dirty Little Whore for a friend. It’s an exclusive thing. And pertains to him and only him.
9. I need new drinking buddies. People I trust.
10. I am happy. I believe it is the casual sex w/ my buddy, but who knows.
There are all these thoughts running through my head that i can’t seem to put into catagories..
I hate it when this happens.
but for the time being, i’m back to updating here. (you know you missed me)
I had wanted to do this like 2 weeks ago. but never got around to it. I was going to say i’m happy n’ perky and everything else. things were finally going right. I gave up the idiots in my life and it’s been good for me.
Went over a year w/o having sex (my own choice. i extended lent till i wasn’t feeling pressured).
but now…. everyone is pressuring me for something. idiots i don’t know are asking me to go out with them. to meet them w/o never talking to them. And I won’t do it. It’s creepy, and i’m not that nuts.
But i’ve been good. It’s been more about me than anyone else. I needed to do that.
Hope all of you out there are having a great Valentines Day!!
Subject: I feel you are so very lovely!!!!
I have never seen a more beautiful, nor more exciting woman than you. Yes, I know that I am not your prince in shining armor, and I am not the frog you are looking to kiss, but rather the toad sitting along the way watching all the frogs getting kissed. But, I know beauty when I see it, and I know what makes my heart sing. I may be older, but I would never cheat on my lady, nor would I treat her with any kind of disrespect. If you get tired of those who would use, or abuse you, I would be pleased to show you what it is like to be treated as you so richly deserve. In my eyes you are a gem, and should be treasured by the one you choose to be with, and he should feel honored that you wish to be with him. Please, forgive me if I have spoken out of turn, or offended you in any way. I speak only what my heart feels for you. You have been blessed by God with a beauty that most women could never achieve, and since I have seen you, He has blessed me too. The men’s hearts that you touch haven’t a chance at all around you. We sometimes are judged by those that we touch. I assume that you are viewed as one of the most wonderful women those that you meet have ever known. I think that is sweet, but at the same time I know that with great glory comes huge responsibility to ones self. Please, never take yourself too seriously, and above all else enjoy life, for it passes so quickly. A beautiful woman, such as yourself, is something that most men seek all of their lives, but some of us can only smile at God in thanks as you pass by. You are so wonderful to my heart!
My heart belongs to you now. It lies there at your feet. Please, pick it up, and hold it to your breast, so that our hearts may talk to one another. I long to find you are just as lovely inside as well.
Forever yours, Carson
P.S. As I reread this message to you it struck me as so overpowering. Perhaps I should explain to you why I am not deleting it and starting over. I simply wished to make you feel, at least, a part of how wonderful it made me feel to have found you.
I had hung out with GuyX about a week ago. for some reason we had gotten to talking about us (or he had, i was just trying to sleep). He mentioned sex somehow and i said i swore off sex for a year (not really, but it’s working so far). I’m not sure what brought it up, but he said i could use him for sex….. in those exact words. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, so i haven’t yet…. i’ve also passed on hanging out with him until i figure out what to do…
Had a date the other day as well….. I think i was more interested in his motorcycle then him. he’s nice enough, but nothing clicked. there was nothing there… i drove to his place, hopped on the back of the bike, we went to see a movie, drove back, and spent like 10 mins attempting awkward conversation…. oh well. it wasn’t meant to be. I’m okay with that. If it happens then it happens. If not then oh well.
one year was yesterday or so….
we’re hanging out tomorrow after he gets off work.
this happened completely on accident. We made last min plans to hang out today after he said he was over at my work (about 15mins after I left), and we had gotten to talking about hanging out (since it’s been since Jan). So I get to see my buddy tomorrow…. Yay!
Hard to believe that in 54 days I will have known Brain (as in, met in person) for a year. Just a year. It’s kinda weird. There has been more emotional bullshit with him in that year then with most people that I’ve known longer. I’m kinda ½ tempted to ask him if he wants to come over on the year mark. Just to make the yearly thing almost important. Not that it’s really going to be. But it can’t hurt to try. Because no matter how much I try to get him out of my life, he keeps coming back. I’m taking this as a sign that maybe he’s supposed to stick around (if not for anything important, then just to break my heart a little more).
Got a msg from GuyX (seriously, what is with the guys coming back in my life) about an hour ago. For some reason he was talking about sex (after throwing a fit because i won’t leave my nice comfy bed to hang out with him (haven’t seen him in…. months!)). Turns out he hasn’t had sex since he was with me last. So it’s been a little less then a year. Also seems as though I don’t care. Not one damn bit. I can remember writing a post about the sex with him. But never posting it (for good reasons as I recall). But I just don’t care. I’m over it. I’m over him. I don’t need all this drama. Not anymore. And never again.
Brain sent me a txt the other day. And it turns out that I miss him. We just talked about nothing important. Just words exchanged. But in those words, I realized that I actually like this jerk. Jerkiness and all, this guy has a small piece of my heart. And that’s nothing that I can control. But maybe that’s why I haven’t had sex since January. I mean, it was the last time I saw him. And as I recall, my last 3 sex times (which put us back to the end of Aug 07’) were with him. And January may not have been the best sex (not by far) but it was sex with him. And well… damnit. I don’t know what I’m trying to say!
Why are boys so damn stupid?
You tell a guy that you like him, and he acts like he likes you back. But he doesn’t want a girlfriend…
Then one day you get a msg saying he’s interested in a girl and they’ve been hanging out and everything. And then he’s asking you for advice about her…… The two of you kinda quit talking because he’s just absent a lot. Then you get the message saying he misses talking to you. But that they’re spending more time together….. and most of your conversation is about them hanging out and having fun…..
Seriously?
